My daughter looks nothing like me. Cleaning up projectile poop of an individual who while being very cute, small and female strangely resembles your own husband is not a very flattering experience. And yet I persevere.

All of a sudden there is a whole range of issues about which I have no opinion.  For instance, do I change her diaper now, or do I wait and let her poop her heart out?  How do I get her to feed on a schedule?  Why is her top-rated baby carrier so hard to use?  Are we bonding or what?

Actually judging by how selflessly I get up in early am scrab off her butt, I must have bonded all right. She on the other hand, is she bonding with me? Sure she likes to fall asleep curiously close to my tit. But what is she furring her brow like that for? And why is she so happy to see the dad when he comes home from work if I spent my whole day tending to her every emerging need? To tell you the truth I’m relived to see her expressed so much interest in dad. I can relax at last.

Not only I have little or no opinion about what to do with my precious one, everyone else does! What’s frustrating is that they all seem to say something different. My doula warned me about it. Like she said, it all started in the recovery room in the hospital where every RN had her own uniquely crafted suggestion. At the time I followed the ones I liked. For instance, I told one RN that the baby cried more on the second day then the first night. “Oh, so she already switched day and night”, — she replied. Yeh right! Nevertheless from then on I followed every advice she gave.

Sometimes contradictory advices come from the same person or the same book. Better yet, from a single page of a critically acclaimed book. Marc Weissbluth’s Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child is a case in point. First he brings up all the research that shows that the amount of sleep children get does not vary crossculturally. Then he gives suggestions how to influence sleep. But if there are no crosscultural variations then sleeping habits are not learned, and why am I reading his book?

In other words, I’m confused. If I am to trust the books I read, confused parent is a bad parent because a good parent doesn’t vacillate. Perhaps I need to stop reading.

Once again I had no wild dreams. I am beginning to think that I just want to get the labor over with.

The only thing that’s bugging me right now is choice. Given that the benefits of epidural outweigh the potential risks so much, why even attempt to brave the pain? I won’t think of myself as less of a woman if I chose medication. As a matter of fact, I will think that it’s stupid to avoid it. I heard of other women who had experienced childbirth both with and without regional anesthesia say that they were stupid to choose natural.

Natural childbirth, be the way, involves certain pain management methods considered “natural” such as acupressure or hypnosis, only they are not as effective as medication. Traditionally midwives used all sorts of herbs and potions, but in this day in age they are not licensed to administer any substances.  You have to be a doctor to do that and everyone knows that medical practitioners are bad, and midwives are good. Natural equals traditional equals unmedicated. Something like that.

According to my Childbirth Prep instructor, midwifes would have a woman drink a shot of vodka when she goes into labor. The instructor herself would not recommend that, perhaps because she was on Kaiser time, but my doula suggested a glass of wine. I love my doula!

On the other hand, if the baby comes out slightly disoriented and has troubles latching on or if I wouldn’t know how to push and they have to cut my vagina and insert the forceps, I’ll feel different about it.

So this midwife told me that I should give birth within two weeks.  As I mentioned before, I knew that the previous calculations of conception time were a bit off and that probably the baby is due a little earlier.

Still, I have to admit I am scared to hear that there is one week less to go.  I am afraid of pain, but I also know that there are relatively benign options, like epidural that will help to alleviate at least most of it.  That’s reassuring.  What I fear the most, I guess is my body opening up so much that I will be able to pass a whole baby.  Freaky!  If I am to be honest with myself, I will admit that I’m afraid of the changes that come with the baby, but I am at the point in my life where I need to make choices.  Do I want to have a family, or do I want to spend the rest of my time on this Earth shopping and hanging out looking cool? 

What I am really afraid of is the unknown.  What is this pain that is like no other pain I’ve experienced so far?  I know these women on birth videos opened up to pass the baby, but am I really going to do the same?  Will my body ever assume its pre-pregnancy shape?  Most importantly, am I a mommy material?

My uncle spent six years trying to leave the Soviet Union. He lived in Moscow where nobody thought of him a Russian. He (and everyone in his family) were Jews, and still are.

Now his daughter’s kids go to a public school here in California. It’s a model public school, meaning, among other things, it’s uber P.C.

My mom tells me that one day his granddaughter returned home and declared: “I’m Russian!” Apparently in their oh-so-noble effort to create mock United Nations in the classroom, elementary school took it upon itself to assign ethnic identities to kids. I asked my mom what my cousin did, because I knew that my cousin, like many other Jewish kids, had particularly unpleasant experiences with anti-Semitism. My mom said she doesn’t know. “What would you say? – She replied.” As it happens I didn’t have an answer at the time. “First of all, I would tell her that she’s an American, — I said.” But that of course, wouldn’t be a satisfactory answer.

Now I think I would tell her “If you were a Russian, you’d hear about it from me, not from your teachers.” Then I would explain to the seven-year-old why we left the Former Soviet Union. Finally I would go to school, and tell them to quit telling my kids who they are on the basis of uneducated guesses.

It’s really nice that people can come to the United States and leave the storms of the Old World behind. It’s heart-warming that an average American educator doesn’t draw a difference between a Russian and a Jew. Lets keep it that way, only even more so. Lets not encourage our kids to think of themselves as Russian, Chinese or Indian. Lets teach them to be American. They should take pride in our dynamic spirit, our Constitution, our remarkable achievements at home and abroad. Your average American educator with her average hippy streak does not understand the intensity of tribal affiliations in the Old World. To her national or religious identity is about exotic costume and exotic food: all would be swell in this world if not for the darn rednecks screwing it for everyone. She should stay out of encouraging passions she doesn’t comprehend. In the name of world peace, and especially for the benefit of her own country.

Giving birth is woman’s domain. A friend of ours who was present in birthing room when his wife was giving birth, said that he wanted to puke. I don’t think my husband needs to be there when I’m 10 cm dilated. I certainly don’t want that mental image of me to be stuck there in his mind.

For over ten thousand years human female gave birth in the company of professionals – shamans, midwives, doctors – most of whom were women.  This wasn’t always possible, but tended to be the case.  Then came 1970s, and all of a sudden American husband (sorry — partner) migrated from the bar into hospital delivery room where he was told to time contractions and mimic his wife’s breathing. 

One of my coworkers, a shrink, was so upset at me when I said I’d prefer to leave my husband behind, she screamed. Turns out, my husband needs to bond with the baby. As it happens, my husband already loves the baby, he will help me with the baby, and he’ll play with the baby and teach it things, like many fathers did before him and many will do after. All this, I believe, is totally extraneous to observing me in contractions or “catching” the baby as it comes out of my temporarily deformed vagina or even cutting the cord. (Why does the honor of cutting the cord go to the individual who contributed his sperm to the project? Because he suffered through hours of his wife’s moaning probably promising to himself to never get her into this mess again!) I’m not sure that watching the doctors wipe the uterine slime off the baby will necessarily enamor him to the little one.

If father’s presence at birth were truly a positive development, we’d see the results of this practice by now. We’d see Western family strengthened, divorce rate declining and children growing up self-sufficient and strong. We’d see child-oriented men begging for another offspring. Instead we have a generation of single child weenies razed by divorced parents.

Nevertheless, I think I might just keep my husband around for labor. Social pressure and living arrangements leave little room for maneuver. First, if for some reason (like exhaustion) I am unable to make a decision about the birth, the only other person legally entitled to do so is the father. It’s his baby, after all. Second, because we are a nuclear family my husband will be the one taking me to the hospital, and he will be the one dealing with emergencies if such arise. To deal with emergencies he needs to know more then I want him to know about the particulars of childbirth. Third, because everybody assumes that he will be present, it will be difficult, for instance to find a doula willing to work with our preferred arrangement.

Several weeks ago my mother invited my husband and me for dinner.  Also present were my dad, my sister, my uncle and his wife.  My uncle and his wife have seven-year-old twin grandchildren.  The grandchildren started out in a Jewish kindergarten, but then my cousin pulled them from it.  It was a Jewish American kind of private school, and my cousin’s main complains were ridiculously high fees, kids who were spoiled rotten and administration and teachers who seemed more preoccupied with keeping everyone content then actually teaching.

I hear similar complains about Jewish schools from other sources.  Everyone knows a Jewish school can be up to $30,000 a year, although this might change if the Jewish community in the US decides to switch to more pro-natal policies. Even then there are other rather disturbing factors.  A co-worker’s granddaughter is in Hebrew Hillel in San Francisco.  Apparently Hebrew Hillel teaches math way below the level of a good public school.  Russian Jews are all into good math and science classes, so some Russian parents are trying to demand better education.  I doubt their efforts will result in anything.   I have a feeling that the curriculum is not developed to challenge kids, but rather to avoid intimidating parents.  Kids might actually like a good challenge.  Parents like to feel good about themselves.  And so the girl who attends Hebrew Hillel came back home one afternoon and declared that if she will ever have a lot of money, she will give it to the homeless.  Russian parents screamed “Brainwashing!” 

Then there is Hebrew Academy of San Francisco.  It’s a small Orthodox school that sends about a half of its graduating class to Ivy League and UCs, often on fancy scholarships.  Most of the student body is Russian, many of them FOBs who attend for free.  Apparently several years ago they instituted a “no Russian” policy at school.  I’m not sure if it was legal, but I really respect the fact that they went against the grain, i.e. the received wisdom of multiculturalism.  After all, it’s a Hebrew school, not Russian school.  Moreover a kid who arrives to the US at the critical age of 15 or 16 needs to be in a 24/7 all English environment.  Language is not something that kids, especially older kids magically acquire.  Language is learned, and we already have some very menacing experiences with people born and raised in the United States and not speaking fluent English.  And what about the paying customers, American kids?  And what about the teachers majority of whom don’t speak Russian.    

Nevertheless, Hebrew Hillel recently fired a math teacher who would spill into Russian in his classroom.  Who will replace him?  Another Russian teacher?

We hear public schools in our area are excellent.  Then I spoke to a neighbor who happen to be an elementary school teacher at a local public school.  She said that the school is great, and that more then half of the students speak a language other then English.  Uh-oh!  I hope this means that many kids come from Far Eastern families and are well behaved and studious.  There is a rumor that a Chinese math teacher at a local school gives the whole class extra assignment when one student errs.  It sounds a bit Communist, but I have to admit, it’s a bit refreshing to hear about a teacher who doesn’t coddle his students.

***

Anyhow, my mom called me the other day.  My cousin’s twins had MLK day at their elementary school.  So they learned all about MLK.  But then teacher divided her students into two teams, blacks and whites, and told the “whites” to mistreat “blacks”.  My nephew refused to play this game. 

I can’t even count the ways this little game is wrong.  A) Children understand evil.  They don’t need to be explained what evil is from the scratch; b) Periods of sanctioned sadism in school send children a wrong message; c) this is not the right way to teach history.  History is about particulars, not about generalized mistreatment.  Tell students about separate drinking fountains and burning churches, and they will understand; d) Teaching kids that “all blacks are like this” and “all whites are like that” is wrong; e) Is that how you spend precious school time?

My mom’s mission, I guess, was to warn me about public schools.  I’m not sure they don’t do any role-playing in private schools.  I suppose, if my kids will have pretend to be a Muslim month in their public school, we will have to pull them for home schooling out for that month.  Other then that, a good public school in our area is probably still better then a private sector has to offer.

A review of John T. Bauer’s The Myth of First Three Years.

We don’t yet have the kind of long view of a period that historian needs, but the Nineties are emerging to be a very silly decade. I am glad that my twenties fell on the Nineties; it’s like being young in the Twenties, minus the music. Our nation was preoccupied with a chunky girl whom our President briefly fancied as our enemies were stepping up their attacks around the globe. We put our prestige on the line brokering peace between a long-suffering nation and a band of terrorists as the terrorists were announcing in Arabic that they would not honor any agreements. Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan characterized our economic activity as irrational exuberance.

John T. Bruer tells us that the Myth of First Three Years was another Nineties folly. According to the Myth, the first three years of life are detrimental in child’s intellectual development. During these years synoptic density is high and intensive learning takes place. Allegedly cutting edge research in neuroscience confirms this assertion. Politicians (Clintons and Kerry are among the most high-profile on the list) were most imptressed and invested millions in early childhood educational facilities, research programs, etc.

But, Bruer tells us, no responsible neuroscientist connects synoptic density to intelligence, and human beings are well capable of lifelong learning. Two experiments (not conducted by neuroscientists) put low income at risk babies in high quality ($15,000/year/child) day care against a control group of low income at risk babies who did not receive the same kind of care. During the first years of life kids in high quality day care scored higher then their control group counterparts on IQ and other tests. But the gap in scores between the two groups closed to less then 5 IQ points by the age of 15. Turns out, the best predictors of kid’s IQ are mother’s IQ and “time on task”, i.e. the time kid spent studying. And check this out; “McNamara’s Moron Corps” (recruits who joined the armed forced during the Vietnam War when intelligence qualifications were lowered) showed similar gains in IQ once the military provided relevant training at a later stage in their lives. (Let’s not get into discussion of what IQ measures, I am well aware of the limitations of this test).

Neither Bruer nor I am for that matter is against investing in day care. It’s just that given our limited resources we might need to consider making daycare a bit less expensive and more accessible. High quality daycare doesn’t seem to yield intended results in at risk youth.

And what about your middle class kids? High quality day care is just as good as mommy, they say. But what the Myth does to mothers, it makes them feel very, very guilty for not buying that magic rattle that will make your baby extra smart. Bruer doesn’t name names, but I think it’s pretty clear that he’s talking about Baby Einstein here. Speaking of which, my coworker’s son is working on his PhD in developmental psych. He says that Baby Einstein is poison, and that kids who play with Baby Einstein show symptoms of ADD on average something like 5 years earlier then non-Einstein kids.

Bruer seems to suggest that Dr. Spock with his advise to trust common sense is still the best way to go in raising your baby. Unfortunately, not all people are gifted with common sense. I know some young parents who spent their whole lives so far trying to prove that they know better then everyone. They treat child rearing as some elaborate exercise in radicalism. To me the bottom line is this: If you want to bring up your children with good middle class values such as family, education and community, raise your kids like middle class families did. And yes, I am aware that this changes overtime as well…

And by the way, I don’t suggest reading this book unless you are interested in particular examples, of which there are many of neuroscientific experiments. The book is not that well organized and can be summarized in a short brochure.

January 23, 2007 update:

George Bush mentioned Baby Einstein in his State of the Union Address today.  To be fair to him, he only touted it as a great business venture…